Over the years one thing remains to be clear…
I have a very hard time maintaining relationships with people. Whether it be an intimate relationship or a friendship. It’s something about myself that I’ve recently tried to work on.
I can own that I have difficulty with certain aspects of forming a relationship with people, but I also am not going to put all the blame on myself because I don’t think the failure of all my relationships or friendships is solely my fault alone.
I will talk about friendships first. As it stands I don’t actually have a friend I could call or text to talk to. I have people who I was friends with and talk to from time to time but not very close with an I would consider them acquaintances. In my spare time, I go to the movies, shopping, clubs, alone.
To be clear, that does not bother me, because the friendships I invested in while growing up with people in my hometown turned out to be total disappointments.
From ditching me to get high and drunk, using me for money and to pay their way, allowing their boyfriends to be transphobic towards me, allowing their other friends to steal my belongings, or even going as low as to try and destroy my character on social media by spreading blatant lies.
I invested time into a lot of people who I thought were my friends, but they turned out to be some of the fakest people on this planet. To this day, most of them are stuck in the same toxic lives doing the same useless things they have been doing for years.
Just to be even more clear, I do not miss any of them at all. Not one!
I might be many things, but I am not fake. I’ve always been someone who has said the truth even if it meant hurting someones feelings. When I decided to transition and my life really started taking on new meaning I told myself I would no longer allow people to be in my life who did not support, respect, or appreciate me.
To me, it is easier to cut people out of my life than to settle with how they treat me. I am not saying I don’t give chances because many of them had many many many chances, but once a certain line is crossed, there is nothing going to fix how I feel. They become dead to me.
I understand it is not the healthiest way to walk through life but it is apart of who I am.
In intimate relationships, I find it even harder to make them work. I have only had a handful of relationships that I would consider real relationships. All of which was totally unexpected & all have ended with us never speaking again.
One thing I find extremely hard to do when I am in an intimate relationship is to express how I am feeling when upset. I often come across as being mad, I become silent, distant, and I want to be left alone when I am upset.
I might be front and centre on social media and in the sex industry, but the fact is I am actually a very introverted person when it comes to how I am feeling or when something is hurting me.
It is one reason I started my blog, so I could use it as a way to help others understand me and also vent about my experiences and things that bother me.
Many of my ex-boyfriends have told me I am hard to read and that when I express myself when I’m upset my tone of voice sounds mad. Which made them feel like I was mad at them in particular.
I am working on myself every day to try to express how I am feeling in situations that are upsetting but I blame part of the reason as to why I might sound mad is because of experiences growing up in a home where people raised their voice to have their point heard.
The thing about me is if I’m mad I don’t hide it, I will tell you I am and most likely tell you to fuck off or get the fuck out.
I also don’t like to be pressured to talk about something that is bothering me. I like to sit with it and think in quiet, giving myself time to properly express myself before I say something I will regret.
The fact that I have so many sexual relations that are random hookups also plays a toll not only on my relationships but also my ability to connect with a person on a deeper level.
For most of my life, I have got to know most men by laying on my back. A moment of pleasure and then left alone to forget it ever happened the next day. I find it easier to lust then love. When I think I have feelings for someone I find them fading the more and more and more we become closer…until eventually we are no longer together.
So yeah, I have an extremely hard time trusting people, expressing how I feel, forming and maintaining relationships and friendships.
My life is fucking complicated.