One of the hardest things I find myself not having the ability to do is trust men. A lot of men message me on all of the different platforms I am on.
The first thing that comes to mind when a man tries to talk to me is ‘he’s just looking for sex’. No matter if he’s complimenting me or just trying to make small talk.
I become obsessed with analyzing a man’s intentions even if we meet, have sex, and keep talking.
Part of the reason is that, after so many times of hearing lies, I can’t determine what is truth and what is a lie. Even when people compliment me, men or women, I don’t believe them. I assume they are ‘just being nice’.
If we go back to the time my trust issues really began when I was thirteen years old and had my first boyfriend, I remember every detail so clearly. He never liked me, he was using me.
At the time I identified as a gay male and I was just coming to terms with my attraction to men. He made me believe it was love at first sight, he was sixteen, and I never felt that feeling before so as a thirteen-year-old kid that’s naive you’re gonna believe what someone tells you.
He took my virginity, in the same bedroom I still sleep in & have slept in for the last twenty-three years.
A month later he broke up with me to tell me that he was really just using me to make his ex-boyfriend jealous that he never really liked me.
Fast forward to similar situations of men just wanting to have sex and never speak again over and over and over again.
Don’t get me wrong, sex is great, but in the industry, I’m now in its become meaningless. There is no connection, its just lust.
When I have real feelings for a man I usually don’t tell him how much I actually like him. I’m afraid of rejection. I find that hurts more than being used for sex.
Most men are very simple creatures. Give them a blowjob and ride their cock and they will tell you anything you want to hear.
The men who actually want to spend time with me aside from sex are few and far between but most of them have baggage making it hard for me to really want to get attached and when I want to I’m scared of them hurting me.
I uprooted my entire life to Halifax, Nova Scotia for a man who then left me because I came out as transgender. I almost uprooted my life to Oakville, Ontario for a man who promised me the world but because I didn’t want children he threw it all away.
I find men expect women to compromise a lot of things only for them to compromise nothing. I met a guy this week who is married to a woman, has children, a 23-year-old girlfriend, but was in my bed with me, tell me that’s not fucked up.
Two things make the world go round. Money & sex. People need sex & people need money.
Even when I manage to get close to a man he somehow seems to always hurt me. I was starting to put my trust in a man I met in Toronto who is obsessed with me.
After getting to know him and being comfortable talking about anything, I asked him if he would still sleep with me if I had surgery.
His answer, no.
For a man who claimed to be a friend, a companion, a person who likes me for who I am, he would put his desires before my own happiness.
His response tells me that even though he claims to like me for more than whats between my legs he actually doesn’t. To him, and the men that think like him, its simple.
To me, he’s telling me to imagine everything I want in life, now forget it because I don’t want you to have that. Entitled. Selfish. Ignorant.
Even trying to find a man just to come over, cuddle, hang out, and watch a movie on Grindr is impossible.
People think I’m a strong person, in the world we live in being strong in public is the only choice I have, but if people know the things I’ve done and sacrificed to become who I am they would respect me more.
Not because I deserve more respect, but because they would truly understand what the struggle is like.
As I write this at night, looking at the Toronto skyline from my hotel room. I remember all of the other sleepless nights I’ve had, alone, telling myself I will get there & I don’t need a man to be beside me when I do.