My first experience with BDSM.

WARNING: Sexual graphic content. Contains adult subject matter. If you’re not 18 years of age or older leave!

It is something people see in movies, porn, and in pop culture. However, the lifestyle of BDSM: Bondage, discipline (or domination), sadism, and masochism (as a type of sexual practice) is something that is much more common than people know. I have always been interested in being tied up, restrained, and being used by a man, in the right circumstances anyways. I was never one for pain, although I do have a high pain tolerance.

The part that interested me about BDSM is the fact that I would be getting pleasure from feeling like I am someone else’s property, that they own me. In my mind, I’ve always struggled to feel wanted. Having a man who enjoys using me fills that void I have felt, it’s a psychological thing. Not many people understand it.

At first, I thought trying BDSM was something that would be fun but my first experience wasn’t at all what I expected.

A friend of mine told me about a website that was specific for people interested in BDSM to interact. You can post pictures, say what you are into, show people your results from a BDSM test so others know what you are looking for and what kinda category you fit into. I’m a Brat.

Brats are, in essence, naughty submissives. They find disobedience a form of playfulness rather than letting their dominant down, and require a compatible dominant who will not only teach them a lesson, but also accept that any number of lessons might still not necessarily change this behaviour.

I was not hopeful about finding anyone on there because as a transgender woman I thought it would slim my chances of finding a man interested in a non-cisgender woman (fast forward to seven months later and I’m now flooded with messages).

So I created the profile and then let it sit there and waited. I started off getting a few friend requests and messages, but they were from men who were from other parts of New Brunswick not where I lived.

However, one day, I got a message from a man in Miramichi that was very interested in meeting me. He was dominant which means he was the person in the relationship who dominates or controls me, the submissive partner. I said that I was new to BDSM and was interested in trying it for the first time.

He wanted to meet me right away so I gave him my cell phone number and we started off texting. He was really eager to meet, it was a Wednesday in the middle of a snowstorm. He said that he was going to go to the store to get a rope and other things for play because he left his bag in Montreal where he used to live.

I will refrain from giving too many details about him because I don’t want to disclose his identity. However, he was working in Miramichi as a surgeon but was not originally from the area. He called me and asked when he could pick me up and I started to feel kind of rushed so I said, “maybe another day”.

He responded with, “in life, it is either now or never”. He doesn’t believe in someday another day, or maybes, he lives with a do it now, or it will never happen attitude. So I said he could pick me up around 7 PM.

At first, I was nervous about meeting because I wasn’t sure what to expect. However, when he picked me up in a white Jeep the first impression was how calm and nice of a guy he was.

He asked me how into BDSM I was and I again explained what I liked. He took the time to explain that when most people get into the lifestyle they act like they are submissive or a slave, but they only want certain things done to them and they try to control what is used and how it is used and in the end he says he is no longer the dom or master at that point because they are in control of it. He said that if I wanted to be his girl then I could be, but no one could know.

Also explaining that I have to trust him and that in time I would learn to do anything and everything he wanted me to because a submissive gains pleasure from serving their master.

I always struggled with being truly “submissive”. There’s a part of me that wants what I want and if I don’t want it that way I don’t want to do it. I’m not dominate because I could never control someone like that in the bedroom, but giving everything up seemed to be something I could never fully do.

Maybe it was because I have felt scared to give men too much control since my sexual assault in December 2017.

I find myself even getting mad at men who ask to bareback me since then, and when I say no and they try to put “just the tip” in I get angrier. At what point does no mean yes? NEVER!

So I explained to him that it was a lot to take in because I was just beginning. I knew I liked being tied up, restrained, feeling like I belonged to someone, and possibly open to some light pain. However, I told him I didn’t want to bleed or have any major pain happen to my body.

The first night we met we went to his house and we sat on his couch. He sat down and had me lay my head on his lap looking up at him. He took out my hair tie and put his hand through my hair, down the side of my face, and over my lips while looking into my eyes and telling me how beautiful I am. At first, I believed him, however, in BDSM it’s hard to tell what is real and what is manipulation.

He took me into his spare bedroom and had me help him unpack the rope, clamps, and other things he purchased. The first thing he told me was that you didn’t have to buy expensive gear from websites to use during play. Everything he got was from the Dollar Store. He had rope, candles, clothespins, wooden spoon, hairbrush, and many other things. He told me that when he was beginning in the scene where he lived, he learned that the members of the BDSM community called the Dollar Store the ‘horniest’ place in the city.

After I unpacked everything he pushed me up against the wall and told me to stay there. He sat down on the bed and told me to undress.

Normally, I was never nervous to undress in front of someone I was going to hook up with, however, because this was my first time with an experienced dominant/master I was definitely nervous. I unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them off leaving me wearing my big wool sweater, black thong, bra, and socks. I put my arms through the top of my sweater and let it drop to the floor leaving me in just my underwear. I stepped out of my position and pushed my clothes to the side with my foot. I took off my socks, then bra, and slipped off my thong.  Leaving me standing there bare naked.

He got up from the bed, pushed me against the wall and grabbed my wrists, putting them above my head against the wall. He kissed me and then proceeded to use his mouth to lick, suck, and bite my nipples, which at the time I was only two months on hormones and my breasts were sensitive and starting to grow.

Eventually, he got tired of me being against the wall and started tying me up. I was on the floor with my hands and legs tied together and my stomach facing the ceiling.

So far, I was okay with this. He took a metal ruler and started slapping my thighs, and then put clamps on my nipples & body. The pain was intense but I tolerated it.

He then started to blindfold me. My anxiety started having me freak out, I had just met this guy, he has me in a vulnerable situation, what the fuck are you doing Kylie?! So I asked him to remove the blindfold and he did, then he realized I was taking a slight anxiety attack. He told me it was going to be okay and reassured me that he wasn’t going to hurt me. So I calmed down and he continued.

Next, he took candles and started pouring the hot wax all over my body, nipples and all. I didn’t mind it. It just felt like a slight warmth that lasted a moment.

Then he took the wax off, picked me up, untied me, laid on the bed and said, “suck my cock”. I’m very picky about what I put in my mouth & I didn’t feel comfortable giving him oral at this stage so I hesitated.

He responded by grabbing me by the hair pulling my head back and slapping me across the face. Saying, “when I tell you to do something you fucking do it, I don’t want any hesitations when I give you an order.”

Remember how I said I’m not comfortable giving up full control, this what the part where I snapped back. I untied the rest of my rope and said, ”I’m done, I want to go home.”

He looked at me in shock. I started to cry because I felt violated. He didn’t give me a safe word, he didn’t ask me if I was open to doing all of this on the first time I met him, I felt like he was a selfish man who just wanted to control women.

He instantly started saying sorry and apologizing. Part of me thinks he was scared I was gonna scream rape or try to get him in trouble but that wasn’t it. I didn’t like everything he was doing and it was as if he expected me to be into everything from the first meet.

We sat on the bed and he kept apologizing and told me to calm down and then he would drive me home. I calmed and he kept apologizing and said that he didn’t know he was going to hard, I looked at him and explained the slapping my face is what made me snap. I didn’t like that. I again explained to him how new I was to the entire thing, I didn’t want to go this aggressive from the beginning.

That evening he drove me home and told me he wanted to see me again on Friday night. He said he was on call at the hospital but he wanted me to sleepover.

The next 48hours I kept thinking about his intentions over and over and over and over. What is his end goal, is he trying to break me, does he want a long-term relationship, does he just want to fuck me and then toss me, what is it that he wants.

On Friday when I went over we talked and he explained how he wanted someone to be his and only his that he owns. He said that he wanted to buy me a necklace that I always had to wear because it was going to be my collar, and he mentioned a chastity device and he keeps the key so only he could give me pleasure. I said no to the chastity device!

He told me that if I was good he would buy me things to reward me. Whatever I wanted he would get me, but I had to obey him.

We started doing BDSM that evening and he put me in a butterfly restraint. I didn’t like it, my arms started turning purple so I removed it myself, he instantly became mad. I told him if I’m not comfortable with something then I’m not going to do it.

We continued, doing so many things over the weeks we were together. I can’t keep writing it all because this article is long enough. We stayed up until very late most nights & he used me the entire time.

In the morning we would wake up and he would instantly start doing BDSM to me, spanking, throat fucking, everything.

One weekend we were going on a road trip from Miramichi > Fredericton > Saint John > Miramichi. He asked me to put this glass butt plug inside me and wear it the entire day. So I told him I would try.

I got ready, slipped it inside and got dressed. The part between the stopper and the bigger end was so wide that my ass kept twitching it wouldn’t relax. Your body is designed to have that close, so when it kept trying to and couldn’t. I hated the feeling so I removed it and didn’t tell him.

We went to Fredericton and when we were shopping he confessed to me that he was actually divorced and has three children. I didn’t really care, but then I confessed to taking the butt plug out.

Again, he got mad and didn’t like that I disobeyed him. So he took me to the sex shop in Fredericton, he got me new lingerie, a bigger glass butt plug, and a long silver rod I wasn’t sure what it was.

When we returned to the Jeep he handed me the bigger glass butt plug and told me to put it inside me. At this point, I was just annoyed with him. I was being honest with him because he was being honest with me, but he still wanted to punish me. I didn’t have lube, he was willing to go buy some but I said fuck it, I sucked it until it was wet and slipped it inside me & said, “there you go, are you happy”?

The entire drive to Saint John I kept it inside me, except for when he decided to have me change it to a device that he could inflate inside me. It had a plastic balloon shape ball on the end which you’d put inside you and he had the pump in his hand to expand it and release. It looked cheap, I kept saying that if it breaks inside me I was going to be pissed, it didn’t break, but I enjoyed the butt plug more.

When we got to Saint John he let me take it out, but only until we found a restaurant to go to. When we went to eat, I had to wear it inside me the entire time we were at this place downtown.

We didn’t get back to Miramichi until midnight-ish, I had to wear it inside me from Saint John to Miramichi which I did but at this point, I was getting used to it so it wasn’t as bad, it just made me feel very tired because my body kept contracting my ass the entire time.

When we finally got back to his place I didn’t really want to do anymore BDSM, but he did. I was starting to get super annoyed with him at this point, not because he wanted to have sex so much, but because he was never making me orgasm, he had never performed oral sex on me, all he did was use my body how he wanted and he expected me to enjoy it.

I didn’t mind most of it, but the part where I said its too much is when he used a urethra probe on me. I in no way enjoyed it, I told him he could try if he went slow, it was consensual, our entire relationship was consensual, but I still didn’t enjoy him sexually at all. I remember asking why he would never perform oral sex on me and he told me he never performs oral sex on women because he doesn’t believe a man should be lower than a woman.

The next day, he told me if I was cisgender women then he would want to marry me and have children, in my head I thought he was crazy.

He was a sadist who was a surgeon and got to cut people all day and wanted to break people down sexually in his free time, the entire thing was just twisted and dark.

He wanted to have me as his possession, but when I told him I wasn’t willing to be his if he didn’t want to publicly be seen with me he didn’t like that.

I remember the end of it all was when I asked him to give me a drive to Winners one day and he wouldn’t drop me off at the front door.

Cisgender heterosexual men have this concept that if they are seen with a trans woman they are going to be labelled gay.

What the fuck is wrong with having a trans woman as a friend? People can assume he’s fucking me, or assume whatever they want. I tried to explain to him that I don’t understand how a grown adult can live their life by doing everything with the thought of, ‘what would people think’.

Fuck what they think, you’re gonna be dead one day and so will they, nobody is gonna be thinking then! Do whatever the fuck you want.

He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that other peoples opinions of who he is have actually no effect on his life, they don’t pay his bills, they are not living with him, they have no meaning to his life.

In the end, he drove me to Winners but parked super far from the front door so I got out of his white Jeep and slammed the door as hard as I could. He tried to call and text me several times after that and I blocked his number, eventually months down the road when I was in Toronto, he messaged me on the same site he found me on and tried to be all nice and sweet, I told him never to message me again.

I come to realize that I don’t really enjoy BDSM as much as I just enjoy rough sex with a man who knows how to satisfy me and enjoys it.

Since then, I have met many men who were so much better at it than he ever was.

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