WARNING: Story contains sensitive material about my sexual assault experience.
This is the first time I’ve publicly talked about my sexual assault. It has taken a lot out of me to openly write about the incident in detail. I have felt scared and even embarrassed to talk about it with anyone.
For me, my sexual assault was not black and white. No, for me it was more of a grey area that I was uncertain even counted as sexual assault at first. I remember asking myself if it could still be considered sexual assault at all.
See, I had agreed to sex, but the sexual activity he was doing I did not consent to.
The assault took place on December 7th, 2017 at his house. It was pretty late, around midnight and he had picked me up. When we got to his house we were making small talk then eventually we decided it was time to stop talking & start undressing.
Before we met we discussed what we were open to doing so there was no confusion. I told him that I only “play safe”, meaning we would be using a condom during anal sex.
The moment I felt uncomfortable was when he started to aggressively slap my ass, it didn’t feel like pleasure it felt like anger. When I asked him to stop he did momentarily but then continued to do it over and over.
He started to use his fingers to try to get my ass ready to be penetrated, which I didn’t mind. When it started to become overboard was when he tried to penetrate me with more than I was comfortable with, I grabbed his hand and pulled it away from me. He responded by grabbing my arm with his other hand and continued penetrating me, I asked him to stop and he didn’t.
At that moment, I wanted to leave so I tried to get up from the bed but he grabbed me and pushed on my back, which left me with my stomach against the bed. I told him I wasn’t enjoying it and I wanted to leave, he remained silent.
He then proceeded to enter me without a condom and had me pinned down. I asked him to please stop, but he remained silent. This was not at all what I signed up for, I didn’t understand why he was doing this. I was open to meeting for casual protected sex, just regular sex, nothing crazy, but that clearly was never his intention.
When he was done, he had ejaculated inside me, I felted disgusted. I got up, put on my clothing, left his house immediately and walked a few blocks down the street and called a taxi. I didn’t want to be around him any more than he just forced me to be. I remember going home, sitting on my bed. I felt extremely alone.
I realize I had put myself in the situation, but that did not excuse him for taking advantage of me when we both had discussed previously what we were comfortable doing.
I was told that nothing would happen because I was meeting him for casual sex and because of that fact I would look like I was lying. Which is true. It would be hard for anyone to believe me considering how the situation played out.
I didn’t report the assault mainly because of the fact that I knew how the justice system treats sexual assault victims. Seeing case after case of trans women who have been raped and/or murdered and nothing done about it made me feel like the odds were always going to be against me.
He still tried to message me multiple times after that night, until I blocked his messages from all of my social media accounts and changed my number so he couldn’t communicate with me.
As a transgender woman, I have experienced men trying to force things upon me after we meet. No means no, some men respect that and others push until they eventually take no for the answer. However, in this case, this was the only time no was not accepted.
It’s important to remember that just because people are open to hooking up, does not mean that they are open to unprotected and abusive sex.
Approximately seven out of 10 of sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim, such as in the case of intimate partner sexual violence or acquaintance rape.
According to the United States Transgender Survey (USTS), almost half of trans people have been sexually assaulted and these figures only represent the cases that were reported and investigated—these rates are even higher for trans people of color.
I chose not to stay silent about this, I felt like I had to at least openly talk about it because many people have dealt with sexual assault and for the ones that are being silenced, to the transgender women who have been raped and murdered around the world with no justice.
You are not alone. #MeToo
Silencing women silences justice. – DaShanne Stokes